We outline some tips to help young people and their families manage difficult feelings and emotions during the festive season.
The festive period can be a challenging time for children, young people, and their families. This can be a time of great excitement and emotion, but it also has the potential to be overwhelming and demanding.
Róisín Cogan, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with St Patrick's Mental Health Services, outlines some of the challenges that come up for young people around this time of year and discusses what may help young people to cope with their feelings. This could include young people who are dealing with family issues, grieving a loved one, or feeling lonely.
Róisín also has some tips for families on how to help a young person in their lives who might be going through a difficult period.
Challenges for young people
Challenges for children and young people around their feelings and emotions can be present throughout the year, but can sometimes become better or worse over the Christmas period.
As a child or young person, you might experience different challenges around this time of year.
- Family issues: you might be spending a lot of time with family, which can be great or, at times, really hard, especially if there are clashes with your parents or siblings, if your parents are separated, or if someone important is missing this year due to a bereavement or travel.
- Feeling lonely: the festive season can make you miss people you care about, especially if you can’t see friends as much or if someone you love is not around anymore.
- Money worries: if your family is struggling with money, you might feel stressed or guilty. Seeing what others get or do for Christmas can make this even harder.
- Social media stress: seeing everyone else’s “perfect” holidays online can make you feel like you’re missing out or not doing enough. There can be a lot of pressure to be happy or to post on social media.
- Missing friends or routine: being on school holidays means you might have less time with friends and fewer activities. For some, this is a welcome break from feeling stressed or socially anxious. Sometimes, the change in routine can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself or others.
- Worrying about returning to school after the break: it is normal to feel anxious about starting school again after the break, especially if things were not great before the holidays.
Tips for young people to deal with challenges
There are some things that, as a young person or child, you can do to manage your feelings, not only during the busy festive time, but at any time that you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, or having difficult emotions.
Spot what makes you feel upset or stressed
It can be helpful to think in advance about the kind of situations that will be difficult for you at Christmas. For some, this could be shopping, attending events, having visitors, going somewhere you do not want to go, going through the winddown after Christmas Day when there might not be much to do, returning to school, and so on. Being aware of things you find tough could help you deal with these situations or emotions.
Give yourself permission
You might have lots of different emotions during Christmas. It is normal to feel worried, lonely, and sad, as well as excited and happy at other times. Allow yourself to feel the way you do and have a think about what would help you, considering you feel this way. For example, if you are feeling tired, have a nap. If you are feeling lonely, reach out and text someone or ask a friend if they would like to go for a walk or watch a movie. If you are feeling sad, acknowledge the feeling without pressuring yourself to fix it right away.
Think of what will work for you in situations that you find tough
Knowing some steps you could take if you find yourself in a difficult situation can be helpful in the moment.
For example, if you know that your sibling or a parent bothers you, can you take a moment to step away if tensions are rising?
When you are overwhelmed, try a quick grounding exercise like naming five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
If social media and your phone cause problems - either by making you feel bad or getting in trouble for using it too much - it can be a good idea to set a timer for how long you scroll or turn off notifications for the day.
Practice an easy mindfulness technique like focusing on your breath for a few minutes or noticing the colours and sounds around you during a walk.
Take a few notes
You might find it good to jot down anything that stands out – whether it is a new idea, a question, or something you would like to try.
Maintain a routine
You might find having a daily routine can help add structure to your day – striking a balance between doing what you want to do and what you need to do can help balance your emotions. For example, some people find eating and sleeping at a similar time each day helps. Planning activities or a self-care routine, even ones with small, manageable goals, can be a good idea.
Do things that bring you joy
It can be helpful to remember the things that make you happy and bring you joy, and then try to include some of these activities in your day. These could be things such as baking, doing a meditation, rewatching a favourite show, playing your favourite board game – anything that makes you feel good!
Stay connected to others
It might help you to stay in touch with others in your friend group by texting, phoning or video calling, visiting someone you like, or spending time with a family member. Phones and Playstations can be fun, but coming offline and spending time together in person is good for you too.
Consider your values
Some common values include family, friends, nature, sport, music, art, creativity, kindness, religion, school, and so on. Is there something you would like to do a little more of or a little less of? For example, if you value music or creativity, what kind of activities might bring you closer to that? Why not research tasks or games to help you feel creative? Or, if spending time with family and friends is important and you use social media a lot, could you keep your phone in another room when you are with them to be more present with them?
Have goals around achievements
What kind of things make you feel proud? This could be making your bed, brushing your teeth, keeping your room clean, reading a book, or finishing a craft project. Or, did you know that volunteering has been linked to numerous wellbeing and health benefits for people who volunteer their time? It could be a way to foster a feeling of pride and help you feel more connected with the world.
Be gentle with yourself
Trying different activities will give different people a sense of achievement, closeness, or joy, so make sure not to compare yourself to others and to consider what would be that thing for you.
Reach out to others if you are struggling
It can be helpful to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, whether it’s a friend, parent, or trusted adult, or there are supports and services for young people that you can reach out to. You can see a list of these supports here.
What families and loved ones can do to help support young people
If you are worried about a child or young person in your life or if they are experiencing a mental health difficulty, there are some ways you can offer them gentle encouragement and let them know you are there to support them over the Christmas period.
Support first; challenge later
If your child is very upset or if you feel they are too emotional or angry to talk, it’s time to focus on soothing, validating, and helping them return to a calmer state before exploring solutions. You could try things like deep breathing, quiet time, a comforting activity or a hug (if they are open to it). You can gently revisit the situation later.
Listen without judgment
Opening up a conversation can be as simple as “I have noticed you’ve seemed quiet lately. I am here if you want to talk, or we could go for a walk or do something together”.
Given how they are feeling, there may be something you can do, but this isn’t always necessary or wanted: remember, listening is enough. You can help and offer support without changing how they feel by sometimes suggesting “Given how you are feeling, what would be good for you to do today?” or “What would be good for us to do together today?”. Going with their suggestion can make them feel heard.
Validate their feelings
It can be helpful to let children and young people express their emotions without trying to fix them immediately. Normalise and validate how they are feeling; for example, you could possibly say to the young person “It makes sense that you feel that way. I am glad you told me. It helps me understand what is going on for you.” Acknowledging feelings helps your child feel understood and reassures them, that it is okay to feel that way. Emotions usually fluctuate throughout the day.
Model emotional regulation
If your child is dysregulated (finding it difficult to manage emotions and having intense emotional responses to seemingly unimportant situations), show calmness yourself. I sometimes encourage parents to wear a ‘Botox face’: keep your expression neutral and composed, as if you’ve just had Botox! Staying outwardly calm is like being a duck, serene above the water while paddling away underneath.
Set boundaries and limits
If a child or young person behaves in a way that is unacceptable and they are aware of this, apply clear and fair consequences where needed. It is better to apply consequences calmly and consistently, and it is especially important to adhere to the consequence. It helps the child or young person to learn about respectable behaviour and manage and move forward in their emotions in an acceptable way. Consistency creates a sense of safety in young people.
Save problem-solving for a calm moment
When the young person is feeling less stressed or anxious you could ask them “What could we do differently the next time?”. This helps your child think constructively and collaboratively, building problem-solving and self-reflection skills.
Give encouragement
Support a mix of rest, fun, and responsibilities with young people during the holidays. Keeping a routine around sleep or mealtimes might benefit the young person. It might also be helpful for them to set limits on social events or activities that may feel overwhelming to them.
Focus on positives
Acknowledge and praise small achievements or moments of connection in young people, and try to avoid overly focusing on negative behaviour. If you want to support your child to do things that they find hard, try to see them doing that thing and praise them for it. It may motivate them to do it more often. When you draw attention to what they can’t do or what is hard for them to do, it does not motivate change, but praise can.
Mind yourself
The festive period can be a challenging time for families and parents: perhaps you also might need a little help at this time.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed, think about the ways you can mind yourself, as this can put you in a better position to help the young person in your life. Draw on the tips and tools that have helped you previously, but consider trying out new things that you feel might help. This could include asking for help with tasks and jobs, doing things you enjoy that might help you relax, and taking breaks when you can. If you and your family are under financial pressure, there are many activities that are free that really boost mood, such as walking, playing sports outside, watching a movie, or doing crafts, board games or other wellbeing activities together.
Balance over the Christmas period
Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect or meaningful. By focusing on small moments of joy, connection, and self compassion we can make the season brighter for ourselves and those we love.
